Monday, July 19, 2010

God's Plan for my life...

Two years ago on July 20th, my Mom unexpectedly died, at the young age of 53. I was left with a mixed bag of emotions, from grief, sadness, to anger and guilt. You see I had not spoken to my Mom for over 7 months. We had an on and off again relationship. I'm a very calm, reserved person that hates confrontation. Mom was a very different type of person. She had the mouth of a sailor, constantly criticized and was at times down right harsh! I never met anyone that loved gossip more than her! I would go till I couldn't take it anymore and then say something to her and thus would put our relationship in the "off" status once again!

I would often wonder why I had a Mom that never showed any interest in anything I did, why I had a Mom that wouldn't allow me to even cook with her. Even as a small child I wanted to be in the kitchen helping cook, all I ever did was get to mash the potatoes with a hand held mixer when I got a little older! I would think how would my life be different if I was taught to do all this and that, by her in the kitchen. How I dreamed of having a Mom that would take me shopping (I hate shopping, just the thoughts of doing it together I wanted) to giggle over a batch of homemade cookies talking about my day, just girly stuff you see on tv. You know, I was having a little self-pity party!

**Don't feel sorry for me, I have experienced all of this and more with Cathy (my mother-in-law). I've been with her since I was 16 years old and I do feel as she is a 2nd Mom to me! God plants special people in your life and she has been one of them to me!**

The other day my husband, who at times is wise beyond his years, made a statement that hit me with full force! I don't even remember his words, but the meaning was that maybe God had placed me with Mom b/c she wasn't girly at all, HIM knowing that I would have 4 boys' and since I wasn't used to "girly" stuff that it would be easier for me. I suddenly saw that I was meant to have Mom as a mother, good or bad, she has shaped my life. I do hate all "girly" stuff and actually love not having to deal with barbie dolls! Hair and make-up is so not my thing! I love watching my boys play their sports and if I admit it, even love hearing their toilet poop jokes, LOL!

Finally I have been released of any anger that I once felt for my Mom. I understand it was in God's plan all along. Mom lived a childhood that makes me shudder to think about, and she provided us with the best one that she knew how. Though very far from perfect, she made sure that we were clothed, doctored and well fed. She was a grown woman with a little terrified child trapped inside that was so insecure and frightened that she acted out in anger and bitterness. She never felt loved as a child and was constantly searching for that. She never understood that nobody else can make you happy. She was extremely hard on my Dad because of that. I feel so sad thinking she died never knowing what true joy in life is!

You see, we can all see our lives differently if we just let go of all the bad emotions. No one is perfect, not even Mom's! Even if the perfect Mom did exist and I was raised by her, I'm 100% sure that I would be doing exactly what I'm doing now, being married to Scott, and staying home to raise our 4 little wonderful blessings! I know, with all of my heart, that this is God's Plan for my life...


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